Monday, April 7, 2014

Epiphany in the Peanut Butter

Epiphany in the Peanut Butter: A response to Sunday’s Sermon by Linda Seyfarth

Your reflection on Sunday afternoon struck a chord with me and reminded me of what I went through many years ago.

I had two normal pregnancies back in 1969 and 1971, both healthy baby boys and John and I were delighted. A few years later we tried to have "just one more", but each time I got pregnant, I lost  the baby, first at 11 weeks, then 9 weeks, then 7 weeks, then 5 weeks. I finally got smart and realized that we were only going to have two sons, both of whom are happy and healthy.

Each time I had a miscarriage, though, I suffered greatly. I wasn't denying the fact that I already had two perfectly wonderful children, but I thought I "needed" one more. The doctors could give me no reason for the losses, but still in my mind I pursued "why". I prayed about it, but kept hearing my family and friends "explain" it to me......."you wouldn't want a deformed baby"......."each baby was another boy, so your body 'automatically' rejected it as it knew you wanted a girl (NOT true!) (and that explanation came from my dad)......the clincher: "God wanted that baby more than you." Can you believe someone actually said that to me?? The sad part was it came from a well-meaning Christian lady! People tried to talk to my head, when, in fact, it was my heart that was aching.

I struggled with the "Why?" question for several weeks. Finally, one morning I had an epiphany in the peanut butter aisle in the grocery store. As I reached for the jar, I heard a baby crying in another aisle and it grabbed my heart. As I stood there grasping the grocery cart, I heard in my head the words, "It's OK. You are going to make it through this. You don't have to understand the "Why" of it; someday you will, but not now. Just accept....... accept....... accept for now." It became a transforming experience for me. I wish I could say I never cried again, but I turned a corner and was changed, transformed, the peanut butter aisle. I've been able to use that experience when I have talked with other women about that kind of loss, or any kind of loss actually. Once you let go of that pursuit of trying to understand something, of figuring it out, a burden is lifted. There are many ongoing questions in life that will never be answered, nor need to be. When I saw the experience in a whole new way, I was able to move on, continue living the life God intended for me to live. I finally felt the courage to use my "God eyes" to become at peace. God works in strange ways!

By the way I have four granddaughters today!

Thanks for listening!