My Life-Giving Space

Thank you, Debra, and thank you to all of the Urban Abbey for dedicating this service to Mental Illness Awareness Week, October 7-13.

I’m not bipolar! I’m Suzie.

I have the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, but that does not define who I am. I’m a spouse, a mom, a Nana! I’m funny, insightful, passionate. I’m a leader. I’m a follower. And, quite honestly, I’m “badass!” I’m so much more than my mental illness and the stigma attached to it.

I work for NAMI Nebraska, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and NAMI’s theme for 2018 is “Cure Stigma.”

Stigma is toxic to our mental health because it creates an environment of shame, fear, and silence that prevents many people from seeking help and treatment, and in some cases, it takes lives.
Compassion, empathy, and understanding counteract stigma.

When I’m really struggling, what hurts?  When I hear:
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You just need to... (fill in the blank).”
The messsage I get: “I’m broken.  I’m not okay as a person.”

What helps?
“Wow. That must be really hard.”
“I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”
“How can I best support you?”
The message: “You value and respect me.”
            “You’re not going to leave me.”

I’ve been treating my mental health for over 20 years, so I have quite a story, but for today I’ll stay more in the present.

Two years ago I stopped working because my mental illness took me to a very dark and painful place.  I was no longer capable of supporting others who needed and deserved to be heard. I walked away from the best and most meaningful job I’d ever had.

Even though my depression was very heavy and I felt suicidal much of the time, there were signs that I truly wanted to live.

4 1/2 months after I stopped working because of my mental health, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My initial thought was, “Okay, well that makes this easy.” My depression was severe, but I did not succumb to my mental illness or cancer! I chose life!

I went through the prescribed treatments for my cancer as well as continuing to treat my mental health. I fought for my life! I made that my full-time job, and it was some of the hardest work I’ve ever done.

My healing involved many things, and the Urban Abbey has been one of the most valuable supports on this journey, and continues to be. I’m forever grateful Paige and I walked through the door 3 1/2 years ago.

Every week Debra asks us to name a life-giving moment. I had no idea that THAT would be a life-giving moment, literally. Not only does the Abbey give me life and make my soul come alive.. .the Urban Abbey honestly saved my life. When I say “the Abbey,” I mean more than the physical space.  Don’t get me wrong, I love books and coffee, they definitely give me life! When I talk about the Abbey, though, I talk about Debra, and the barista, Gabe, who was working that first day, told us what the Urban Abbey is about, and invited us to our first service. (A barista’s job at the Abbey involves much more than making a good cup of coffee!) But, mainly, I talk about you, the people of the Abbey. I’ve never had a church family that I’ve loved and trusted like I have here.

During those two years, I came into this space for peace and healing... serenity... clarity.. .to clear and quiet my mind. Some days I talked with Debra, prayed with her. Other times I sat back, talked to no one, was simply present. It brought great peace to look across the room at my pastor, my friends... and all the books! Some days that’s all I needed.

When I walk into the Abbey, my shoulders drop, my tension releases, and I can breathe.

On one of my worst days, a very cold day, when I thought my options were few, I found myself walking down the hill to the Abbey. I really didn’t know what to do and this was my only logical choice. I talked things over with Debra, made some phone calls, and a member of this church, who was volunteering that day, drove me to the hospital so I could get the help I needed. My church family was with me. Members of the Pastoral Team, my friends, visited me, let me know I’m not alone.

By getting involved in the church through reaching out and service work, I’ve made some lifelong friends.

I want to thank you, Debra, for taking the risk, starting a church, and making it the Urban Abbey.

And thank you all for BEING the Abbey. Thank you for saving my life.

- Suzie Noonan